Learning from Bonnie Cordon

Background

I volunteer for my local congregation of the The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I am lucky enough to have been asked to be a part of the Young Women organization, where I get to teach and work with some of the best young women ever! The program I participate with includes girls between the ages of 12 and 18 that worship in our local congregation. Because of my work with these youth, I was invited to participate in a training session with Bonnie Cordon, the President of the Church's Young Women program. She is in charge of the Church's young women throughout the whole world. This was a pretty big deal! She works directly with the prophet, who leads and guides the entire church by divine direction.

Sister Cordon talked mostly about several church-wide policy adjustments that are affecting the youth programs. Here are some of the things she touched on:

Sorry I couldn't get a better picture, Sister Cordon!

Summary

The Church handbook explains that "All Church leaders are called to help other people become 'true followers of … Jesus Christ' (Moroni 7:48)." This is our most important job as leaders in the Church! Everything we do points back to Jesus Christ. After we draw near unto Him, we can then bring others to experience the joy He brings.

We must prepare spiritually. We can learn from the example of Alma and the sons of Mosiah. Sister Cordon used Alma 17:2-3 to lead a discussion about how we can prepare. By following the example found here, we will be blessed with joy and have a powerful effect on others.

It's important to remember that we don't make large spiritual leaps all at once. Progress takes time and comes gradually.

The most important thing our youth need to know is that they are literal spiritual children of God. Understanding their true identity is powerful!

The purpose of calling each class by the name "Young Women" is to bring unity. Having a name/label to separate each class from each other can have the effect of creating "-ites". In other words, it can make unity more difficult.

Every word of the new theme is exactly as God wants it to be.

Young Women class presidencies should essentially be running the program. Our job as leaders is to lead, guide, and walk beside them as they work. Help them succeed without taking over!

My Two Cents

I wish I could relay the true feelings I experienced during this meeting. Sister Cordon made me feel like she cared about me personally. I can't explain it. I didn't even get to talk to her one on one, or shake her hand. But when she stood in front of us, she introduced herself by saying "I'm Bonnie Cordon." For some reason, it felt like she was introducing herself as a friend. The tone was very personable. The only way I can think to describe it is that it really felt like she was introducing herself as if we didn't know her. As if none of us had ever heard her name before, or already associated it with the position she held. She exuded love and humility, and invited a spirit of belonging. We hadn't even begun the meeting, and I knew I would enjoy every minute.

Here are just a few of my favorite takeaway's from the discussion:

The female leaders of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints actually direct their organization. Maybe it's because I've heard so often from critics that our church is run by old men and that all women are subject to men in their callings, but I sort of had a view of our female leaders as being a pretty face. Women who smiled and said kind things and traveled around hugging people all over the world. Basically women who just did as the men told them to do. 

I don't think that anymore. 

As Sister Cordon described the revelatory process for many of the recent adjustments in the Young Women program, it was clear that she is the one who made the decisions. Even though she ultimately would take her ideas to the first presidency for approval, they came from her. She wasn't handed a new theme from the brethren and told to include it in her conference talk. (The Young Women Theme is recited at the beginning of each Sunday young women meeting). Rather, as she and her presidency worked together, they realized that it was time to make changes to the theme that had been in place for several years. 

So, they prayed, discussed with their board members, asked previous Young Women general leaders, and really worked at it. Sister Cordon talked about her many sleepless nights as she pondered and sought guidance for what it needed to be. They weren't working to try and make the theme the best they could make it, they were working to discover through revelation how Jesus Christ would have it. Sister Cordon even joked about the Holy Ghost really enjoying providing guidance at 2:00 in the morning. 

Hearing first-hand from her about how the Young Women program modifications came from her presidency felt empowering. I have so much more appreciation for what these women do, and really feel proud to be part of an organization run by such inspired female leaders.

We really need to use the name Young Women. In General Conference, Sister Cordon explained that our old naming system for our classes would be discontinued. We used to have names for each age group- laurels, mia-maids, and beehives. But with the retirement of these names, "all classes will be referred to by the unifying name of 'Young Women.'" (See here for her full address).

This has been very challenging in practice. It is much harder to distinguish between classes if they all have the same name. As Sister Cordon talked about how this decision was made, her concerns and frustrations felt very familiar. She admitted that at first it seemed too confusing to call everyone young women. She understood that differentiating each class would be hard. She herself fought the inspiration and worried that it wouldn't be as fun or as easy without names for each class. But over and over again, the revelation came from the Lord that all of the classes should be called by the name of Young Women. When identifying a specific class is necessary, it can be distinguished by adding the age of the young women in that class.

I think that if the Lord was that insistent that we not label each class, we should be working diligently to alter our vocabulary to always use "young women" when talking about all or part of these youth. If we are saying "formerly known as laurels" or "the 12-13 year olds," we are missing out on the unification that the Lord intends for us to achieve as a result of this adjustment. Sister Cordon said, "I am 100% confident, with all of my being, that the Lord wants the unifying name to be Young Women."

Successful class presidencies make for a successful young women program. I don't know if this is true everywhere, but the young women I work with are so intelligent, savvy, silly, fun, insightful, kind and just wonderful. They have everything it takes to be successful at whatever we ask them to do. And yet, they also don't have much experience in anything we ask them to do. As a leader, my job is to guide and direct them through things they haven't done much or at all- while still tapping in to the brilliance and individuality that each of these girls possess.

Each age group in the Young Women program has their own presidency made up of young women from that class. They are supposed to plan their weekday activities, teach Sunday lessons, and look out for each other at church, school and home. Their leaders are supposed to guide them to accomplish all of those things.

A successful program is one where the leaders provide just the right amount of independence within a structure, and the youth respond with creativity and responsibility. This is not an easy line to find, let alone walk on. But as we work toward it together, miracles will start to happen.

If you want to hear some of this stuff for yourself, check out the whole Young Women General Presidency on the Latter-Day Saint Women Podcast. A few of the same topics are mentioned, and you'll even get to hear from someone else about love that Sister Cordon exudes. I highly recommend it! Listen here.

Meeting Jean B. Bingham

Background

On Saturday, November 10, 2019, I got to meet Sister Jean B. Bingham. Sister Bingham serves as the General Relief Society President of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I attended a meeting where we all ate dinner (a plethora of crock-pots full of soup), and then sat down to listen to some inspiring words that Sister Bingham shared. I loved seeing her mingle with us as we ate our meal. She was so unassuming, graceful and meek. Hearing her talk, she is soft-spoken and tender. She moves slowly and gently, not with a lot of force.

Yet to me she is so powerful! Something about her messages really speak to me. Several years ago she gave a talk that truly touched me. She articulated truths that I have believed for a long time, and motivated me to live them better. Isn't that true power? Enlightening and empowering those around you? Ever since that talk, I have eagerly listened to her words whenever I've had the opportunity.



While at dinner, I went and introduced myself to her. I normally don't do that sort of thing, but I found myself stealing a seat next to her as she sat down with her soup. I was so nervous I'm not even sure I looked her in the eye. When she could see I didn't have anything more to say besides my name and how excited I was to meet her, she asked what capacity I serve in the Church. Before I could answer someone else interrupted us. I should have just taken the opportunity to leave, but I didn't. I waited for a minute or two, then asked if I could get a picture with her, which she obliged without hesitation. Then I quickly told her how much I had loved the talk she gave (referenced above), and basically ran away.

Yup. I was about as articulate and put together as a teenager meeting her favorite boy band. I am pretty disappointed that I squandered what is likely to be my one and only chance to meet her, but it was still pretty special to spend the evening with her. Even in my awkward introduction, she didn't seem annoyed or bothered at all. She put her arm around me for our picture. She seemed genuinely happy to meet me and not even bothered that I was interrupting her short time to eat before speaking to everyone.

As always, hearing from her that night was inspiring. Here are a few of the things she shared:

Summary

A lot of changes have been made in the Church. Sometimes we don't understand why we are being asked to do certain things. From her experience, Sister Bingham has found that as she tries out new things even if she doesn't understand, that eventually she is able to look back and see the why.

We need to remember that all of the many changes are not isolated in and of themselves. Each adjustment is meant to work together to help us prepare to meet God.

As the largest organization of women in the world, the Relief Society is very diverse. Women come from every walk of life and almost every country to participate in Relief Society. From this diversity, we can create unity! One of the ways we can do this is by trying to see each other as God sees us.

Sister Bingham referenced a talk by Brother Peter Johnson that talked about the 3 D's of the adversary: Deception, Distraction and Discouragement. Then she suggested a fourth D: Division. We cannot succeed as a community unless we are united! To that end, we need to be doing more than just including everyone. It is good to include others. But what people really need is a place where they belong. We can create belonging by focusing on loving others, and not dwelling on what we perceive to be their shortcomings. As we do this, we will be changed for the better!

Remember that everything we do has a spiritual component. The Lord will help us know what should take priority in our lives, and He will guide us and help us improve.

My Two Cents

Honestly, whenever I think about what she said, the only thing I can remember without looking at my notes is that part about division. One of Satan's tools is division. It is something that has been on my mind for a while now. I love how she paired that thought with the idea that we can be unified in diversity. We don't need to try and be the same! We don't need to mold each other to our idea of what's best. Rather, we can embrace our differences, and learn and grow from them. Wouldn't that make for a much stronger, interesting whole?

I think this is a great lesson for all of us right now.

Getting Old

Background

A year ago today I turned thirty.

On the morning of my 30th birthday I was running late. My 6-year-old daughter, 2-year-old son and I were some of the last to arrive at a family gathering. My harp was set up in the corner, and everyone was waiting on me. I tuned a fraction of the 46 strings hoping it would sound okay and sat down to play a song I hadn't had a chance to practice. It had been 12 years since my last harp lesson. I played a simple song nervously, imperfectly. While I played, my family members said their last goodbyes to my grandma.

Many of my family members were kind enough to remember that the day was my birthday. I didn't mind spending the day celebrating the life of someone else. I've had plenty of birthdays. Over the last year I have wondered if I would have felt differently about turning 30 if I had been able to spend the day like normal people spend birthdays. I feel like 30 is the first birthday that you say to yourself "wow, I'm not young anymore." I know a lot of people that have struggled to leave their twenties. Some people celebrate the next 30-40 years by declaring that they are "29 again" annually.

I didn't even have a chance to dread the day. About two weeks prior, my mother-in-law was scheduled to be discharged from the hospital to a rehab facility. She had fought a brave battle with cancer that was newly diagnosed in early January. Before that, we were convinced she would live into her late nineties. We thought we had 35+ years to spend with her. After the shock of her illness, we were relieved she was finally on the mend.

Instead, two days later I was on a plane with my husband to be with her as she slipped away from us.

Our world was turned upside down, and everything else had to be put on hold. Nothing I tried to do came easy. I was 17 weeks pregnant and exhausted. My husband went straight to his hometown after losing his mom, and I came home to get the kids and head out to meet him. It felt like some dark force was intent on making the situation as close to hell as possible. Finding flights took hours and hours. I had to squeeze in a shift at work. None of us had appropriate clothes to wear to the funeral. And it was lonely not being able to spend that time with my husband and his family. It all seemed surreal. While dealing seemingly millions of menial tasks, I was also grieving for the reason they needed to be done.

I couldn't have made it through that time period without the help of many, many people. While I was gone I also got the news of my grandmother's passing. I arrived home the day before her funeral.

And so my 30th birthday came and went. Over the last year I have wondered how I would have felt about turning 30 if I had the opportunity to dread it and experience the day like normal people. It has made me contemplate growing old. Here I am with being silly with my kids in our funeral black one year ago:

If you are me, then you might notice a few extra lines by my eyes. It is strange watching myself begin to show signs of aging. Sometimes I feel the need to hide pictures of myself that I think show too many lines. It's natural for me to have that inclination in our culture. But I've started questioning the obsession we have with youth.

On this blog I usually find online articles and posts, and give my reaction to the articles as well as the comments they generate. This time my thoughts were provoked by a portion of the book "Tuesday's with Morrie" by Mitch Albom. I listened to the audiobook and appreciated some of the comments about growing old.

Summary

"Tuesday's with Morrie" is a book written by a student about his professor. The student, Mitch, spends a lot of time with his professor, Morrie. They work together often during college, but drift apart after graduation. About 15 years later, Morrie is diagnosed with ALS, and Mitch finds out during the later stages of the disease. For about three months until Morrie passes away, Mitch flies back to visit his old professor every Tuesday. They discuss topics that everyone can relate to such as love, happiness, marriage, and aging.

Morrie says that he doesn't buy that being young is so great. He has noticed that young people tend to have lots of problems, they feel inadequate, and they're often miserable. He adds that "the young are not so wise. They have very little understanding about life. Who wants to live every day when you don't know what's going on?" He acknowledges that aging does include decay, but it also gives a person growth. There are things to gain from aging that you simply can't attain any other way.

He says that people who are in a satisfying, fulfilling place in their lives can come to an understanding and acceptance that they will die one day. And instead of despairing, it causes them to live more fully. He points out that people who try to fight aging are engaging in a losing battle. Once you learn to embrace your life and choose to live it fully, you only want to go forward. Going back becomes undesirable in favor of the things you look forward to learning and doing.

My Two Cents

Morrie's perspective made me think about my former self. I'm old enough now to be able to think about who I used to be. When I think about myself as a high school kid, I think of a girl who wanted to do the right thing. I wanted to be a good person. And at the time, I thought I did a pretty good job. But now when I look back, I see that I was often judgmental. I could be very self-righteous. It was easy for me to say unkind things about others. I had a low tolerance for others' mistakes. It is interesting to look back and see how much I missed the mark even though I really was trying.

Now I think of myself as someone who wants to do the right thing. I try and include everyone without judgment. I try much harder to only say kind things about others.  But I have a feeling when I reach 40, I'll be able to look back and see that I still had a long way to go. As I was thinking about all this, I decided it is kind of an exciting prospect to see what I can become. Maybe a few wrinkles and saggy skin aren't so bad. Maybe it is a small price to pay for the wisdom and growth that comes with it.

But growing old shouldn't be just an individual thing. I'm lucky enough that I get to share my life with a wonderful family. My husband and children bring joy into my days. There is a romantic notion about finding a person you can grow old with. I wonder how often we really think about the actual process that takes place between the "I do" and the little old couple that holds hands by the fireplace. Maybe if we think a little more about the people around us, learning with and taking care of our family and friends, we can find more reasons to enjoy this journey. Maybe marriages could be stronger as we learn how to change together and embrace that change. Maybe we would be better parents if we learn things for ourselves as we help our children grow instead of living vicariously through their youth. And maybe all of us could forget about trying to stay young if we focus more on each other and the things we are learning together.

I want to find a way to be happy about getting older. Sometimes I think I'm okay with it, and other times I really struggle and feel scared about how I will handle myself as my body withers. Now I am wondering if there is some kind of symbolism in the fact that my 30th was all about death. Maybe those events can help me realize the importance of being grateful for what I have now and enjoying every day, instead of dwelling in the past and trying to relive it.

Another 9 years and I'll be 40. Then I probably won't think that 30 was so old. I just hope I'll be able to say that I am looking forward to 50. Perhaps by then, a my youthful 30-year-old self won't seem so appealing compared to the wiser, happier person I'm becoming.

"Suffer Little Children To Come Unto Me"

Background

Anyone who browses social media knows about the policy changes recently made in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. There has been a sort of uproar about it, with people yelling on both sides. I guess that is what always happens with something so controversial. For me, the hardest thing is trying to figure out what is really going on. I have read things from both points of view, and many seem to contradict each other. As I have tried to figure out my own point of view, one comment stuck out to me that I have pondered on a lot. I tried to find it again to be able to reference, but was unsuccessful. Luckily, I found another one that was similar, but even more specific than the first. Usually I like to summarize an article, then give my opinion and response to some of the comments made to it. However, I have read many well written articles on the topic. It would be hard to pick one. Also, I don't actually want to talk so specifically about the policy as all these other articles have. 

Summary

Instead of summarizing an article, I will quote from a comment I read:

"A woman I love very much does not get to have her child baptized, who was set to be baptized this Saturday. Her and her husband got a divorce because he could no longer pretend he wasn’t gay and is now happily married to a man. They are all happily coparenting together. The gay father was in complete support of the child getting baptized and had given his consent, even bought scriptures with the child’s name on them as a gift and was planning on attending the baptism. Because of this new rule, this child is not allowed to be baptized. The child is staying home from school today because the child was up all night sobbing. This child does not understand why he cannot be baptized when a week ago he would have been able to. Everyone else in his class will be getting baptized, everyone else in his extended family will be getting baptized. He is not allowed, despite going to church every Sunday, even with his father on the weekends he spends there. Despite paying tithing faithfully. Despite looking forward to this for as long as he understood was baptism was."

My Two-Cents

Does this make anyone else's heart break? What a difficult time for this young child. His baptism had already been scheduled and arranged. And now it has been taken away. (as a sidenote, I have not found any information about whether or not it matters if the child actually lives with the parents involved in the same gender relationship when they turn 8 and want to be baptized. I can only find that it specifies they cannot live with that parent when they turn 18 if they want to be baptized. Maybe further clarification will come on this later.)

I assume many would use this example as proof of how horrible and punitive the Church policy is. Without diminishing this child's pain, I wonder at the stories of children who would be adversely affected if the policy were not put in to place. I don't think an example on either side necessarily proves that the policy is good or bad for the church as a whole. Those who lead and direct the church have a very difficult responsibility of trying to make policies that will help the most. I don't know if they try to help the most people, or help avoid the biggest problems, or how they decide how to define what will actually help "the most". However, I do know that it is their job to set the policies. I also know that specific policies of the church are not the way to attain exaltation. True, certain policies may hinder or help specific people along their way, but faith in the atonement of Jesus Christ and participation in saving ordinances (whenever they come) is what really saves us. And we have our agency regarding how we will respond to all the challenges and blessings we encounter.

To be clear, the fact that I am not questioning my membership in the church does not mean that I am a "blind follower." I understand that there are people who will willingly follow and obey without much of a second thought no matter what the Church does. I do not fault them. There are others who challenge anything that isn't immediately appealing to them. Some of them choose to leave the Church. I do not fault them either. I am of the type that considers the things that come up, evaluate my faith in Christ (not necessarily my faith that a church administered by men is perfect), and tries to figure out how I need to move forward to be more like Christ. My own personal opinions about "hot-topics" actually tends to change from time to time. I ask that you do not fault me.

So the Church as an organization has to make decisions that will affect its members on a world-wide level. That is a difficult task. I do believe those involved in making these policy changes were trying to do the right thing, regardless of whether or not it was right. So I will not try to persuade anyone of the validity of the changes.

Instead I would like to point out something that has a much bigger impact on the individuals that make up the Church's membership. There has been a change made that affects us all on large scale. But how will we respond on a personal level? Isn't that what determines our own, personal salvation? People keep talking about the second Article of Faith. But that only talks about punishment for sins, not challenges we all face. Every one of us faces trials because of the actions of others. So rather than focusing on the challenges some children will face because of the choices of their parents, lets focus on ridding ourselves of any sin of commission or omission in regards to those sweet souls.

In the story quoted above, what do you think the ward has done for this boy? I hope that his Primary President has come to cry with him. I hope she assured him that he is loved and cherished and worthy. I hope his bishop came by. His primary teachers. In a case like this, I hope his Stake President came over to show his love and support. Perhaps none of these people understands why this child will be left out of many opportunities within the ward. I hope they all promised that wonderful boy that Jesus Christ is aware of him, and knows how to heal him. That the Savior will always answer when that boy knocks at the door. 

I hope in the years to come that the Ward Council makes a special effort to ensure that the boy and his family are well taken care of. I hope it opens up a dialogue within the ward about LGBT issues. That people are able to address it openly and with love. That at least in this boy's ward, the members learn to show love and compassion to people affected by it. That as they come to know the boy's father and his father's husband, they will see that people who choose to live this lifestyle are often wonderful, kind, and generous. Even if the only contact with the boy's gay parents are during special events like the boy's primary program or scouting award ceremonies, perhaps barriers will be broken down.

I hope no one is allowed to make this boy feel inferior because of his background. I hope that it doesn't become a scarlet letter that he feels is posted on his chest. I hope that everyone can know what the situation is, and treat him just like all the other kids. I hope he is never made to feel ashamed. And I hope that in ten years, after participating in scouts and church, after developing friendships with other young men and women as well as adults, after testing the power of prayer and learning all he can about the scriptures, that he will be able to focus on the day of his baptism with joy. I hope he will have been so loved and included that he was able to forget the bitterness of having to wait. And that he will come out stronger for it.

It is my personal opinion that an outcome like this would only happen if this boy is treated with true charity. The Church clearly teaches that we should love and treat everyone with respect. Many of us still have a long way to go in figuring out how to do that when it comes to the LGBT community. I should hope that we would realize that this is an opportunity for all of us to reach out more and understand better something that makes many of us uncomfortable.

I know that some have scorned the idea that children of parents who are in a gay or lesbian relationships can still participate in church activity despite not having the blessing of baptism. I assume this is because of the fact that the child will be left out of some situations. That is a fact. But if that child truly has a testimony and a desire to participate in the gospel, it is our responsibility to support them. Even if we don't agree that they should have to wait. We need to include them in every way possible. To ensure that they know that the love of their peers and leaders is unconditional. To accept them where they are. To teach them about Christ.

It is easy to point at the leaders of the Church and explain why they have made mistakes. Perhaps they have. Whether you believe that or not, it doesn't change your responsibility. Be like Christ. Love everyone you encounter. And show your love through action.

Regardless of whether or not a child has been baptized, it is our job to comply with the Savior's request- "Suffer little children to come unto me" (Luke 18:16). We can do that by showing them how to trust and rely on the only One who truly understands where they are, and who they can become.

Families, and Why My Facebook Profile Isn't Colored With Rainbows

Background

I don't think this section of my post needs much explanation. If you haven't noticed, the legalization of same-sex marriage in all 50 states is quite the topic right now. I can hardly see anything besides articles and opinion pieces on the subject. It is a touchy one. It seems everyone has taken a side on the issue, and necessarily must dislike all those who have chosen the opposite approach. Or at least think less of them. It is pretty impressive to me how long, laborious, and heated this debate has been.

Summary

I didn't choose just one article for this section. I have read several, and none of them seemed to fill all the crevices that should be addressed. Then again, there is no way I could do that here either. So here are just a few things I have noticed. (As a side note, I personally am most interested in the way these relationships affect children, so most of my observations here address that point.)

Pro Same-Sex Marriage

• Studies show that children from same-sex parent homes fare just as well as those from heterosexual parent homes. They are even more openminded and accepting of others.
• The law needs to allow same-sex marriage to protect children in these homes. Because at least one parent in same-sex relationships are not a biological parent, they don't have legal rights to do things such as provide health insurance through their work, make medical decisions, take custody of the children if their partner dies, or have the law help with separation problems such as custody and child support payments.
• To deny a same sex-couple marriage is to deny them the happiness they deserve, just like heterosexual couples.
• Legalization of same-sex marriage is opening our culture to be generally more open and accepting of everyone, and this is a positive step for us all.
• Many adults that grew up in homes with same gendered parents are well adjusted adults who love their parents and are happy to see equality for the ones they love.
• If religious people care so much about marriage, they should just do it on a religious level, and take it out of the public sector completely. Let people do what they want and stop trying to force others based on your own personal beliefs.

Against Same-Sex Marriage

• Studies show that children fare better when raised by a mother and a father, rather than two parents of the same gender.
• Since families are the building block of society and government, the more we redefine and allow changes to the traditional model, the less stable our society becomes.
• Children fare best with two biological parents. Since homosexual couples cannot offer this arrangement, applauding it and encouraging it is detrimental to the many children who will end up in homosexual homes.
• Children need both a male and a female role model at home to help them with different aspects of growing up and to help avoid sexual confusion.
• Children are not objects used to fulfill adult satisfaction. 
• Several adult children of same gendered parents have come forward against same-sex marriage and have given their first-hand accounts of some of the difficulties of these situations. One mentions also that many of these children do not speak out for fear of being labeled a homophobe or hurting the people who raised them (that they love, but still feel a mother/father upbringing would have been more ideal).

My Two-Cents

I have had a hard time coming to terms with this issue because of my personal religious bias. As a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, I feel I need to support the traditional family. I do believe that there are certain standards of morality that God has prescribed for us to follow. I personally believe that each individual can find the most happiness by following the commandments. I don't presume to say that people choose whether or not to be gay/lesbian or any other gender-related term. I don't say that they should deny who they are. But I do believe that God can make them much more. 

As I think about the situation around me, I have wondered if my stance is purely following of the religion I am part of, or my own personal opinion. You might say that I have been brainwashed or indoctrinated my whole life, but I just can't say that I truly would change my mind even if I chose to leave this church. 

At the same time, I have loved and honestly respected the feelings expressed by some of my close friends and others that I know. At least the people I know genuinely want fairness and love to rule out. They do not yell at me or call me a bigot or tell me I am stupid for my opinion. The ones I have talked to are all heterosexual and just view the situation as a civil rights issue. In all the personal conversations I have had, things have been very civil and fairly debated. I have appreciated the kindness that has been offered to me considering the cruelty that I have seen between others.

While I think about the issue, I just can't think of same-sex marriage as a stand alone conversation. I personally feel that the entirety of family, intimacy, having and raising children, and marriage are all intertwined and the topic of homosexuality is only a very small part.

The first problem we have is the issue of promiscuity. I do not believe in sex outside of marriage. Period. I believe it is irresponsible. I believe it dilutes the importance of something that can be so wonderful and amazing and even sacred. While many believe our bodies are something to be pleasured and played with, I disagree. I believe that we should learn to harness our passions (sexual and otherwise). This does not deny us of wonderful experiences, but rather makes us better people and helps us experience physical pleasures in a much more sophisticated and appropriate way that is much better for us personally and as a society. I find it frustrating that so-called "responsible adults" live in such an irresponsible way.*

Besides broken relationships, STD's, and other side problems related to such behavior, the most detrimental is the effect on children. If people would simply choose to marry before becoming intimate and remain faithful to their spouse, many problems would be virtually eliminated. For instance, there would be far fewer unwanted pregnancies. Abortion would probably be considered only on a rare occasion. Children would be born into homes where they had a biological mother and father there. Women wouldn't have to wonder who the father of their child is. True, these issues would not be completely resolved. There would still be problems. But they would be far less common.

Another problem is that of divorce. I understand the merits of the option of divorce. I truly do. But our culture has made it seem like no big deal. We talk about what your first, second, and third marriages should offer you. When things get a bit bumpy, we tell our friends to split. I feel that a very big problem is that we just don't take marriage seriously enough. It is a big commitment, and should only be ended after long, serious contemplation and attempts to repair, and with a good reason.

The thing that I see happening is that not everyone can be a part of the ideal family. Even if most people married before conception and stayed together while raising their children, there will always be situations that don't fit that model. There are good people who make bad choices. There are bad people. There are people who make the best decisions they can based on what they grew up with and what they believe. Because some people might feel bad that they don't fit into the "perfect family," we have widened the definition so everyone fits. We don't want anyone to feel bad. Well, I personally think that is the worst approach. To make hard situations okay or even glamorous just so a few people don't feel bad is ludicrous. 

Instead, we should help people not feel bad by simply loving them anyway. For example, we should applaud single parents because of the amazing job they do. We should not applaud single parenthood in general just because many children who come from single parent homes turn out great. I know a few single parents, and at least the ones I have come across are pretty extraordinary. But they also don't love their situation. And their children do miss the other parent.

Even though I am a religious person,  I definitely disagree that marriage is just a religious institution. Marriage is a societal protection for children to help them be raised in a family. I actually get the sentiment that people should be able to get married to someone of the same sex because they love each other and want some of the benefits such as making medical decisions when the other is incapacitated or having someone on their health insurance plan. Many of the things I read from children of same-sex couples said they felt that they did agree with civil unions or similar arrangements, but do not like the idea of allowing marriage because of the can of worms it would open for children.

My hold up with the whole situation is just that the other basic issues I have talked about would really have to be resolved in order to make a solid argument against same-sex marriage. As it is, there are plenty of children in situations much worse than  those with two loving parents, regardless of gender. There are kids in bad situations with a mom and a dad, with a single parent, or with same-sex parents.

I personally believe that children have the best chance with their own mother and father who raise them in a loving atmosphere. The research is controversial between straight and gay couples, so the matter definitely hasn't been settled by science. I just think that gender is an important issue for everyone, and having a parent at home from each side of the equation is the best way to go. It just makes sense. Even from a LGBT standpoint, you never know what your kid will need. If a boy is being raised by lesbian moms and decides he is gay, he has no male influence to help him out. I know people cringe at the word "natural" when it comes to this, but I think it fits. Naturally, kids should have both influences. With them. In the home. The argument that some other random person can be a role model for them if they need it just isn't enough.

So basically, my opinion is that our culture is already toxic to families and the children trying to grow up in them (and without them). Same-sex marriage will allow many more children to be raised with two moms or dads. Although this situation in and of itself isn't the worst possible situation for kids to be raised in, it doesn't mean we should celebrate more deviation from the traditional family. That being said, gay marriage is not the root of the problem. I think we should focus on keeping as many kids as we can with their own mom and dad.

* I just wanted to add a little addendum to clarify the comment immediately preceding the * in this post. I have been thinking about it all day, and I worry that I portrayed anyone who Makes different sexual choices than I do as an irresponsible person. That is certainly not the case. I simply meant that I feel society's acceptance of this behavior is harmful to us all on a large scale, and to many on a personal level. However, just because someone decides to have sex outside of marriage doesn't necessarilyr mean they are an irresponsible person.  Or a bad person. Nor do I look at someone who had kids outside of wedlock and judge them and think about what a bad choice they made. My treatment and opinion of them has very little (if anything) to do with their sexual choices. The same thing goes for anyone in the LGBT community. 

Don't Hate Me Because I'm Beautiful

Background

I am a mother of two children. I am amazed at what people say to me when I am pregnant or have a little one. It doesn't matter if the person is a complete stranger or a close friend. I have simply come to expect that one of the first things they say will be a comment about my body. Here are a few examples:

"You are so tiny!"
"I can't believe you are 8 months along, you barely look pregnant"
"I look ten times bigger than that when I'm pregnant"
"You don't even have pregnant face"
"He's only 1 month old? You don't even look like you had a baby!"

And then there are the envy comments:

"I wish I looked that skinny."
"I would kill to be so small after having a baby"
"You are smaller pregnant than I am normally"
"You are so lucky"
"How do you stay so thin?"

And my personal favorite:

"I hate you."

I don't even think I can count how many times I have been told that someone hates me. Since I wore a size 00 in junior high, people have been telling me they hate me. In fact, as I grew to a size 0, and later to a 2 and even a 4 (heaven forbid!) I felt self conscious and that I must be on the road to weighing 600 lbs. Of course, virtually every time someone says they hate me it is in a silly, joking way that is sometimes meant to be a compliment. However, I know that these types of compliments have a hint of truth. I have been told many times that I am the "kind" of girl that snaps right back in to place right after having a baby. Well, to prove you people wrong, I had my husband take a picture of me one week after having my baby boy.

Kind of looks like my 30 week baby bump picture could look, right? Now, I am not trying to prove that I am large. I am not trying to garner pity. I just want you all to know that I am human. In fact, I do still have a small pooch. Many of the shirts I wear hide it very well. Not everyone can say that two months postpartum. True, I slim down quicker than many. But that doesn't mean that I don't feel frumpy sometimes. And I shouldn't have to feel guilty about sometimes wishing I were my pre-pregnancy size just because my current size is still smaller than a lot of other people. I have my body and you have yours. Isn't the variety in people one of the wonderful things about life?

I sometimes feel villianized because of this thing that I actually don't have much control over. I am thin because of genetics. But sometimes I feel like the fact that I walk around in public must hurt everyone's feelings because they don't look like me. And there have even been times when I have seen other people that are smaller than I am and thought they were so skinny. It is just engrained into our society to obsess over it.

I have been thinking a lot about this topic over the past several months. I just came across this article that proves I'm not the only one that thinks it's not okay to hate skinny people just because they are skinny.

Summary

The article starts off by showing a picture of a girl standing. She is very thin and virtually has no bum. There is a caption on the picture that says "I guess she lmao'd." The author points out that any kind of jab or joke is at someone's expense. She explains this about the comment:

"As LMAO is short for 'laugh my ass off,' in texting/tweeting speak this caption is implying that this young woman 'has no ass'- that she 'laughed it off.' And that is an incredibly hurtful thing to say about any person".

She goes on to say that although our society tends to view slender women as desirable, it doesn't make it okay to make fun of them. She refers to Jennifer Lawrence, who stated that she didn't ask for the attention and scandal surrounding her hacked photos just because she's famous. Then mentions a famous YouTube vlogger who says she grew up insecure because people would always ask her "why are you so skinny?" The video where she addresses it is here:

Because it is so relevant, I will summarize the video as well. These two are bloggers/vloggers that are just answering some questions they have gotten. This video addresses the fact that Zoella (the girl on the right) is very small all over and is frequently asked why she is so skinny. She says she finds it very offensive, and that it is equivalent to asking someone why they are so chubby. They point out that being "skinny" or "fat" both have a variety of factors that contribute to how a person looks. Medication, genetics, lifestyle, as well as other things make people the way they are.

According to them, the words "thin" and "skinny" are equivalent to "fat" and "obese." They say that no matter how a person looks, you need to be careful how you talk to them because they might have body image issues or self-esteem issues that you could exacerbate.

They mention that it is worse when strangers make these types of comments. If a person is worried about a friend because they are too large or too small, they can go about addressing it in a better way.

Also, many people think that they are giving a compliment when they comment about how skinny someone is. However, skinny people don't usually take it that way. They recommend saying that someone looks nice rather than thin, skinny, tiny, slender, etc.

My Two Cents

I think the takeaway message is simply that it is annoying when people obsess about the way you look. I am very grateful that I am slender, I feel blessed that I have the genetics that I do. But I don't need every person who talks to me to remind me that not everyone looks like me. I am already aware that I am "lucky" as so many people say. I do agree that there are better ways to say things. I have one good friend that said this to me the first time seeing each other after my son was born: "Wow, you look great." I loved that compliment. I felt like she saw me as a person, a friend, and a human being rather than a stick to be coveted.

However, I also want to mention that I do not promote labeling more words as offensive. The video talked a lot about how certain words, comments and questions are offensive. I believe that our world would do better to be slow to take offense. It is not very often that I am actually offended by what people say about my body. Usually I just wish that they would care a little more about who I am instead of what I look like. I am not trying to justify myself or anyone else in being angry over such things. Rather, I would like to promote kinder words and greater love toward each other by caring about individuals instead of being fixated on appearance.

In general, I think we can do well to remember that we are all beautiful. I remember once in high school thinking about the fact that we are all God's children and He must think that each person is absolutely, stunningly beautiful. For a while I consciously tried to view people in that light. I was amazed at how gorgeous each girl around me seemed to become. It was like I couldn't see their zits,  clear skin, messy hair, perfect hair, worn clothes, designer clothes, extra weight, lack of weight, pale skin, tan skin, burned skin dark skin, injuries, oddities, frailties, or any other actual physical attribute. We are all beautiful simply because we are human beings. I wish we could start seeing each other that way.

The "Hard" Parts of Nursing

Background

There are a lot of hard things about being a nurse. For instance, it is not uncommon to get pee or poo on your shoes. You have to find a compassionate way to calm down a confused patient who is swearing and telling you how awful you are (or one who isn't confused). You have to be good at the math you do. A simple calculation gone wrong can in some cases cost a life. It is a constantly changing environment where you have to adapt to everything from where the syringes are stored to minute vital sign trends to administrative rules.

But the thing that I find most people asking about is how I emotionally handle death and illness all the time. It has been about a year now since I worked in the hospital, but it was a common question. Or sometimes people would not ask me how I do it, instead just stating that they couldn't handle that stress and emotion.

Well, it can be a very hard thing. I came across this article a few months ago and enjoyed it. An honest perspective on dealing with death, specifically. This nurse works in an Emergency Department, so sees death more often than I did on my unit. But I can still relate to some of her feelings. The article can be found here.

Summary

The author starts by saying how awful it is to see death in her workplace so often, and that most of the time these are people who did not expect death to come to them so soon.

She has a picture of an ER trauma room at the top, and talks about how it looks so shiny and fancy and makes you think that you would want to be there if anything happened to you. But when she looks at it, she sees the blood, sweat and tears that have gone into working on so many individuals, sometimes unsuccessfully.

She then acknowledges that working around so much death would seem to provide no peace to those who endure it on a regular basis. And although as a nurse it can sometimes be hard to move past the heartbreak of it all, there are good moments too. When a life is saved, there is a victory. When a life is saved against incredible odds, there is a huge triumph. She says "nothing can compare to saving a life."

She mentions that in the moment you have to focus on the task at hand, doing this and that. Then, later you can look back and evaluate the situation. Remember that your patient was a person. She says "For me, it’s in that very moment I find strength and peace in what we do. There is always something beautiful, even in the worst of situations."

Lastly, she notes that while it can be hard to keep going, knowing that there is a chance for each patient to fight and win makes it all worth it. Even with the ups and downs and hard moments, it is still possible to find peace.

My Two Cents

I loved this article, thought it was very well written, and recommend you read the actual thing instead of my summary if you can. It isn't too long, and the language is so much more poetic in the real thing than in my summary.

I am happy that this wonderful nurse has found peace in the chaos, but must admit I feel slightly different about the situation. In fact, I like this topic because it has grown into something more important for me in my career. Let me try to explain without being too long-winded.

When I first decided to be a nurse, I couldn't even tell you what nurses did. I despised hospitals and would get queasy if someone said the word "blood." Not at the sight of blood, mind you, but the simple expression of the word. I never imagined I would want to do anything in the medical field, so I never bothered to learn about it. I would say I didn't really understand what a nurse does until my preceptorship at the end of nursing school. I suppose that is a bit pathetic.

So then, after the fact I had to find my reason for being a nurse. What was it that would keep me in this profession? What could I find that would sustain me? Yes, I had done the work and the school and the testing to become a nurse, but why would I continue on this path?

It didn't take me too long to figure it out. For me it wasn't the schedule or the high-tech instruments or the excitement. It wasn't the many kinds of nursing jobs or flexibility in hours or locations to work. It wasn't any of the other top reasons that most nurses like nursing.

For me it was because of the suffering. Not because I like suffering. But because I could do something about it. For me, that is empowerment. That is meaningful. That is what people talk about when they say you are a great nurse. It means that they were scared, but you helped them feel at ease. It means that in spite of losing their loved one, they knew they were in good hands. It means that when they find out they are going to die, you help them navigate through the emotions. It doesn't mean that you heal everyone and save every life. It simply means you ease a difficult situation for someone else.

I like to focus on what I can do to make their bad situation a little less bad. I can do that by providing excellent medical care, by explaining something better, by walking to the cafeteria to get the flavor of yogurt they want. Whether I'm there or not, this person is having a bad experience. Why shouldn't I focus on the ways I can make it a little better for them?

Don't get me wrong, of course it is amazing when we save a life. But I don't view the deaths as the hard things to get past and the resuscitations as the reason to keep coming back. I just want to make sure each experience, no matter how it turns out, is not as bad as it could have been for those involved.

Ask me why I am a nurse. Go ahead. The answer is that I get the chance to help people when they are experiencing their most vulnerable, scary, difficult moments. And while I can't fix everything about their situation, I can make them and/or their loved ones feel a little more empowered, a little more brave, and make things a bit easier for them. Regardless of the outcome, if I can succeed in those things, then I can find peace in any situation.